What Would “I Do” Differently?

It’s been twenty five years since I planned my wedding. And aside from the invention of  Google, not much about planning a wedding has changed. Venues are visited, cakes tasted, flowers ordered, dresses fitted, and invitations are selected. A band is booked, caterer contracted, rings sized, menu chosen and the seating arrangements are confirmed. And that’s not even the half of it! I just read an article that claims the average American couple spends 524 hours planning a wedding.* And based on how long it took me to decide between salmon cakes and twice baked new potatoes, I’m actually not at all surprised!

But here’s a question I’d like to propose. What if, while planning for this one remarkable day, we also invested some time planning for a remarkable marriage? In my experience, every hour invested in learning what it even takes to have a great relationship would deliver exponential returns. Because the truth is, we plan every little detail up until the moment we say “I do”, and then we’re pretty much winging it. We don’t really know what life will throw at us individually, or as a couple. And most of us haven’t developed the skills to prepare. If I could do it all again, I’d learn more about what it takes to be a great partner before becoming one. Doing so would have given us more joy and happiness in the early years, and more resilience for the challenges that lay ahead.

We plan every little detail up until the moment we say “I do”, and then we’re pretty much winging it.

In my book Hey, I Love You… I share ten things to build a strong and healthy relationship that I wish someone had shared with me on my wedding day. They’re simple principles to follow, even when life gets complicated. Like the first thing, “Never stop trying to be the One.” It’s such a simple piece of wisdom, that when followed, keeps us actively engaged in the pursuit of our partner’s affection and admiration. It helps us avoid putting our marriage on auto-pilot and taking our spouse’s choice to love us for granted. After all, being married shouldn’t be the end of feeling pursued.

When we’re high on buttercream frosting, bridal showers and all-around wedding bliss, it’s easy to assume that Happily Ever After is a given. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a truly great marriage is something that’s made. And a few basic skills can get you really far! Like expressing yourself with empathy, kindness, and openness in any situation. Listening without judgement. And understanding how to properly apologize. These are skills I wasn’t very good at in the beginning, but thankfully, I improved upon. Sure, I still flub it up. Which is exactly why I wanted to write a book that helps couples exchange their thoughts and feelings easily, and in just the right way. Like communication with guardrails!

Love and determination are how my husband and I built our version of a remarkable marriage. But I can’t help wondering, how much more quickly could we have gotten here if we were better prepared from the moment we said “I do?”

*https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/dating/wedding-planning-time-venue-dress-food-price-engagement-a8788076.html