How to Shake the Dust Off Your Marriage.
There are some amazing comforts that come with being a matrimony long-hauler. Like knowing how your partner likes their coffee, right down to their favorite mug. Like wearing sweatpants... a lot. Or knowing that, if you’re off the grid a little too long, there’s someone ready to round up a search party. Personally, my favorite comfort in being someone’s forever is that when I don’t show up as my best-self, I’m given the grace of a do-over.
But there are some hazards to watch out for in a lifelong relationship too. Like slipping into a routine that reaches Groundhog Day level. Or taking for granted each other’s small but regular contributions: gas magically finding its way into the tank; trash bins miraculously appearing at the curb on trash day; your favorite beer teleporting itself from the grocery store to your refrigerator. And beware of marriage myopia. Sometimes my husband and I can look right at each other but not really see each other. “Have I worn this shirt for the past three days and slept in it too? I don’t know babe, you tell me!”
So be on the lookout for complacency. Prioritizing sleep over sex is fine, but you might want to bust a move if it’s every single night. If the two of you have gone from comfortable to complacent, that’s when it’s time to shake the dust off. How? I’ve seen plenty of recommendations out there on how to do it: Games that have you rolling dice and doing impromptu activities; Apps that prompt you to hire a sitter and spend the evening wine tasting and painting decorative signs; Nomadic influencers promising the secret to a rekindled romance lies in Italy, or Morocco, or in the back of a tiny-home van somewhere outside of Utah. Seriously??! Look, if you really want to liven things up and reconnect with your spouse, you can do it right now. Without spending a dime.
I’ve found that words can have far more impact when you add the element of surprise.
Start with words. Try, “Wow. You look great. Have I told you how fantastic you look lately?” It only takes a moment. But to your partner, it’s like you stopped time to make them feel seen, appreciated and desired. In my book, Hey, I Love You...I share some simple ways for couples to engage with one another through words and action. Because when you actively engage with your spouse, you are being present in your relationship. And that’s what it’s all about.
Often when I interview couples I’ll hear, “I give compliments to my wife all the time and it’s like she doesn’t even hear me!” One reason is that our words, no matter how meaningful, tend to dissipate if they’re delivered inside a whirlwind of activity like packing up lunches and getting the kids off to school. So, timing is important. Words can also get deflected by a wall of self-loathing, which is something that’s quite common among women. The key to breaking through? Disruption. I’ve found that words can have far more impact when you add the element of surprise.
In Hey, I Love You… creating disruption is as simple as using a bookmark. I include one so you can mark the page that expresses how you feel, then leave the book in a surprising place for your partner to discover - like in their sock drawer, or under their pillow. When they find the book, it creates a moment of pause and intrigue. And when your message is read, the words are more meaningfully received. It might spark up a conversation between you. Or, maybe your partner will mark a different page and return the surprise. Now matter how you choose to communicate, the more fun you make it, the more likely you are to keep doing it.
Our words have incredible power to spark romance, lift each other up, reveal vulnerability, heal, and forgive. Our actions are the physical manifestations of those words. When you pour a coffee into your spouse’s favorite mug and doctor it up with just the right amount of sugar and creamer, it may not seem like you’re doing much. But you’re actually saying “I know what makes you happy and I want to bring you joy.” Today, why not do a dust check? Drag your finger across the hearth of your relationship and see how much work there is to do. If your spouse needs encouragement, rest a hand on their shoulder and say, “I believe in you.” If you want to spark some romance, try leaving a note on their laptop that says, “Kiss Me.” I promise you, things are about to get interesting.
