Can Marriage Counseling Help?

People have a lot of differing opinions about the value of therapy. Some couples wouldn’t get married without at least a few pre-marital counseling sessions. Others wouldn’t be dragged to therapy if their life depended upon it. Whatever camp you’re in, let me tell you a little about the road in between. 

My husband and I approached marriage like most things in our lives –with a toe dip. We dated for a couple of years. Then, much to David’s conservative parent’s consternation, we waded into the shallow end of commitment by getting an apartment together. It was a life-changing, fun-filled adventure and we grew deeper in love. A year later, we got engaged. And a year after that, we were officially married. You might think the inching-in approach would have prepared us for the deep end. But as strong as we were at wielding the power of love, there were a few skills we didn’t even know we were lacking. Like honoring each other’s space and solitude. Speaking with empathy. And properly apologizing. Perhaps we didn’t need those skills as much in the beginning, when our relationship was new.

Going from “That’ll really get his goat” to “Let me de-escalate this situation” was a sign that I was finally growing up.

Some of what we needed to know came with maturity. A big one for us was learning to protect each other’s emotional triggers instead of pushing on them. Going from “That’ll really get his goat” to “Let me de-escalate this situation” was a sign that I was finally growing up. But in all honesty, some of the most important skills were learned with the help of therapists and marriage counselors. We sought their advice on several occasions, when we felt stuck on an issue, when we felt divided, or when life threw us a curveball and we knew we could benefit from an experienced voice in the room. And even though the cost always seemed to come at the time we could least afford it, I believe to this day it was the best money we ever spent. 

In individual therapy, I had the time and space to work on myself. Delving into the deep inner work of understanding why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do, was foundational in being a part of a strong and healthy relationship. In couple’s counseling, we learned practical skills about communication, empathy, and working through life’s challenges together. Because even though we’d been having honest conversations for years, we didn’t always know how to speak to each other in the most constructive way. We’re still not perfect. But with knowledge practice, we sure improved. 

And what if your relationship is the stuff of fairytales? Can marriage counseling still help? I believe it’s the same answer as to these questions...are mashed potatoes better with butter? Is the french language sexy? Would I like a million dollars, tax free? Yes! There is always something to learn in a lifelong relationship. What marriage counseling can’t do is apply the learning. That one, my friend, is on you.